I used to click on every parenting related article my friends shared. I’m sure you’ve been there too. They captivate you with titles like “Why I don’t teach my child to share” and “5 reasons we don’t home school.” Then usually they provide a very valid, very convincing (at least for me. but I’m easy to convince), very one sided opinion. Then I would always read the comments and I always regretted it. People are flat out mean! They would call the author and anyone else who agreed stupid, or a wide range or other insults. Or those in support would be overwhelming in their defense of the author and there would be full on comment wars between people who probably don’t even know each other in real life.
I finally got sick of it and now I scroll past links in my Facebook feed. Every now and then I’ll read one here or there but I can’t stomach it anymore. I just can’t. I get it Moms, I do. We’d love to be more social if we could but we have kids, laundry, dishes, husbands, church, crafts, and a whole slew of things that take up our time. Our one year old couldn’t care less about listening to our opinion on baby wearing or co sleeping. So when we have a free minute to click on a link and feel a connection with another human being, even if it is virtual, we take it. Finally we can share our opinions with the world and feel like we are being heard.
But we’re also getting hurt. Before clicking on a few interesting looking links I had no idea that I was a weak self-absorbed person for even considering a repeat c-section. And the fact I had an epidural with my first delivery? I have zero mental toughness.
I had two experiences that made me realize how damaging mommy blogging (and commenting) can be. My best friend from high school was visiting me when our babies were over a year old, maybe 14 months give or take. She was sitting on the ground and her daughter started pulling at her shirt so I asked if she was still nursing. She looked embarrassed and stuttered over an answer so I quickly jumped in to tell her that I was still nursing my baby too. She looked so relieved. Because we were in person, I could see that my question made her feel uncomfortable so I was able to react and make the situation better instantly. That is impossible to do online. This experience actually made our friendship stronger because we had yet another thing in common. And then we had someone to turn to when we had questions later. This was even better than reading an article that discussed the benefits of nursing past a year. It was more than knowing a group of random women are still nursing, it was my best friend who is going through the same thing I am, feeling the same things I am and now I can talk to her whenever I need to! It was a much more positive experience than other “conversations” I’ve seen online about nursing past a year. Women have been called everything from selfish to helicopter based solely on the age they stopped nursing. Because that’s clearly a fair basis for harsh judgments.
Another day I was at the park with a different friend and we were talking about our babies (as always). She told me her son was on formula because she didn’t like breastfeeding. She did it for a few months but it wasn’t the magical special bonding experience breastfeeding proponents make it out to be. It wasn’t painful or hard, her son didn’t have reflux or allergies, she simply chose not to do it. I replied that I understood and for me, nursing was less hassle than formula and Eliza never liked formula anyway. Then we moved on. No vicious comments about what a terrible mom she was for not breastfeeding when she could. Or that she was putting her child at a disadvantage. Think of all the moms who want to breastfeed but can’t and she was throwing that amazing gift out the window. I wasn’t criticized for being weird and nursing past 6 months.
These two experiences made me realize the power of actual human interaction. Maybe we should all put down our phones and our computers and have an actual conversation with an actual person sometimes. We just might come out feeling validated and enlightened even when someone has a different opinion.
